ilana glazer: blogga sh*t

lucia, i once met a girl named lucia

2011-09-02T19:14:00.000-04:00

okay so i'm in LA and staying with Paulilu Productions for most of my stay, and if i weren't already in love with them, i'd fall into it on this trip. but i was already, so now i'm just oozing my love all over my bloomers and need another outlet.
you guys lucia's so fucking special and funny. i mean, they both are, and EXTREMELY so, but i was watching her on funny or die's "mob wives" (click to watch) and she is quintessential lucia -- hilarious the whole time but subtle as shit so you need to rewind and replay to catch it.

lolol these screen shots are hilarious. she is EXTREMELY beautiful, but i love that you can NOT tell that here haha omg.

lol sil* = me

*so in love

ONE BIG ROOM. FULLA BAD BITCHES

2011-08-27T16:14:00.000-04:00

so you know kreayshawn? yes u do..

i love that fking song and video. but i noticed something unrelated. kreayshawn's friend, the other lil funky LA lez, looks to me like Taylor Swift in Awesome DK* Drag.

not yet convinced?

well, okay, that makes sense. it would be a stretch for her to-- WAIT

right?

i could just be racist against Aryans like they all look the same to me but i don't think so, man. this is like straight up taylor swift's face. even if it isn't her, Taytay could dress up like the one on the left and would look exactly like her. ugh how funny would it be if Taylor Swift came out, christian mothers across america would like puke and kill themselves, and their daughters would be like, "i'm gay, mommy!"

*dyke via matt stopera

recent dope ish

2011-08-25T00:03:00.002-04:00

so last frank ocean thing ever bc it's getting gross: we share the same issue of Fader, Frank on the front, Broad City in the middle snuggled up next to Pharrell. written by Naomi Zeichner and photo by Noah Rabbinowitz. jewz yall.

front:

holy fucking shit, honestly. his face is universal beauty. fucking dudes, man. all women have to look at is their faces because they're not degraded enough in media. take off ur shirt, FO, do it for women's equality! people are tricked into falling in love with public figures, i think, cuz when we see a face over and over and over again. it trains our brains to be like, "Like." i guess it's the same for men with misogynistic images, like how can they not want to violently fuck a woman when they see her looking back like winking as though they're f-ing her. and all other images imitate that same shit.

le fucking SIGH. this world, amirite? #oldinside

da meat:

So close and yet so far #Pharrell. Fader's a nice ass magazine, like nice paper n shit. I'm wearing the same shirt today as what I wore in this pic. Our bottom halves looked good that day, too, but this pic's pretty dope and super NYC.

then this article happened the same day, yesterday...

a kind blogger named kelly mcclure from vice magazine online aka viceland (i think that's how it goes?) like basically proposed eating my P lol. i anticipate people not knowing if i'm gay in my career. das coo.

ocean frank

2011-07-29T15:34:00.000-04:00

Okay I don't love having obsessions because it takes up a lot of my brain space, and it's repetitive, and it feels unhealthy. Like now I have to resist watching Nicki videos all the live long day. When I was a teenager I was so pathetically obsessed with The Beatles it was weird and not cool. I would like cry lol and write about them, but that's what helped get me over it, so that's what I'm gonna do now.

I. can. not. stop. listening to nostalgia/ultra, Frank Ocean's cherry poppin solo album (I think?), and I have to write about it and him to go through it to get over it.

fraaaaaank & pointin out syd cuz wat a badass bitch honestly

Okay so the first thing is that I know that someone's art does not equal their whole personality, and I DEFinitely know with my friends as my example, that just because someone is really funny or creative or talented doesn't mean s/he's a good bf or gf. Lol no offense but forea.

But having said that, I srsly believe that Frank Ocean would be a dope boyfriend. First of all, he's not a homophobe, which, considering the art he's surrounded by, is brave and impressive n sexy as hell. The album is so well-rounded, and his sophistication is jarring. His narrative style is different from track to track -- like "lovecrimes" is like a narrator showing clips of some tryst, "american wedding" is like a guy telling the story after it just happened to him and then that secret track at the end is r*tarrrrrded it's so beautiful, and I only learned about it today because I always skipped that song bc it reminds me of like red-nosed WASPy dad from home turning that up at a bbq.

He's 23 I think, and he wholly encapsulates the feeling of like "The Graduate" period in errybody's lives. Each song represents a different faction as opposed to, like, trying to represent everything in each track and coming off self aggrandizing (had to look that one up, been mumbling the end of that word for like 7 years). omg and he also like loves smart girls I LOVE THAT SHIT. bitch I GOT BRAINZ 4 U.

I think his real name is Chris I read on his Tumblr. He's so smart that he makes nostalgic references because nostalgia is obviously the hottest thing on the internet because it's like Gen Y jacking off their souls. When he says the Shwayze shit... "something something ghost -- no shwayze. Eva since I lost my bay bee." Damn, and in one song, he's like, "Is it wrong that I want to be the baby's daddy?" Like DAMN -- no, I wouldn't want to have a kid at 23, but DAMN that's like some sexy ass shit. Holy shit what a man, what a mighty good man.

Omg I can't believe how much I'm writing about him haha. I am seriously kind of in love, though. I also love that he's the George of the group -- quiet, pensive, and writing about world views n shit. Omg look what happens when I go on his Tumblr, it's honestly torture.

Okay, I gotta stop already. Last thoughts... I love in Novacane how dat bitch wanna be a dentist because that's like realistic n real shit. He also makes me feel young, like when you fuck him you're somehow re-losing your virginity because it's like when his "dad's not home" or whatever. But it's not like creepy pedo-nostalgia glamourizing tweens now or something, cuz that's like some Disney shit. It's like about sexy memories haha or whatever. Also, the visceral sound of the tape player's so hot because the album is straight up sensual. And also I love that he's optimistic about future generations.

Okay, DONE, I'm OVER it lol yeah right

fucked up shit

2011-07-27T10:32:00.000-04:00

This is sooo fucked up, all that you're about to see. get ready. So first of all, in the 60s, it was verrrrry important for scientists to see if the drugs they were taking would do the same shit to kids. It did. Durrrr, you get fucked up, done.

Don't even try to tell me no one got molested/raped up in here because at least one did. It's funny that they're no difference except that kids are calmer I guess? Cuz they're naturally r*tarded?

Ew this one is SO GROSS, this makes me LESS sympathetic to cats. Ew, "cat nip" or something? WTF is that?

This one's actually kinda cute and funny. Hahahahaha the stoned rat is obviously the best. Matt and I were like HA HA HA HE'S SO HIGH. Kinda cute KINDA not really, barely.

this is so good

2011-07-21T15:10:00.000-04:00

i reeeeeeaaaaally like this video. i LOOOOOOVE loooove infomercials and HSN n QVC n shit, i watch that shit alllll the time. it's so numbing and relaxing. Ron Popeil is a mogul, A MOGUL i tell you, and this remix is pretty hilarious and elegantly arbitrary.

LUCIA ANIELLO: a lesson in badass bitchery

2011-07-12T15:48:00.000-04:00

I must brag right now and say that I am friends with some supremely talented and special people. it's inspiring as hell!

One friend is Lucia Aniello, who is a woman for whom I have a deep, almost scissor-worthy love. We met in the back hallway at UCB like 5 fucking years ago, 5 bumpin n gridin years 'fore, at a new years part I think. In the smokey hallway, both high, after discovering we were wearing quite lit'rally the exact same outfit, I was convinced... or, maybe 'convinced,' that she was ME in 4 years. Because clothes describe who you are on the inside I guess I felt.

Anyway, she directed Melissa McCarthy and Joel McHale for a promo for the Emmys, and it's funny and sweet.

Recently, she wrote, directed, and starred in Dildo Sport.

She works with her boyfriend, Paul W. Downs, and they're at Paulilu Productions. Holy shit and they also recently started the Diaries of Zac Efron, and it's so fucking funny and trippy. They're so fucked up. Lucia is such a crazy bitch in the most admirable way, I seriously am fking in love. Here's the latest ep:

lolol

srs lunch + polaroid

2011-07-06T09:57:00.000-04:00

LOLOL i just saw this serious lunch vid for the first time, and i love it. ugh i love that weird shit. damn, that is hysterical. i believe they've moved on to individual pursuits, but you can enjoy their impressively huge and hugely impressive body of work at serious lunch dot cawm. they were made up of the super super talented team: john milhiser, tim bierbaum, anthony miale, bob officer and billy keenly.

director tim bierbaum of serious lunch + many members of serious lunch made broad city's season 1 finale Do The Right Thing. bierbaum's a badass. pat driscoll cameos!

during that shoot they took this pic, and i really like it!

tat on the subway

2011-07-05T08:52:00.000-04:00

this dude on the subway was mackin' a lady but had such a badass tattoo i had to take a pic. she gave me stankface like i was flirting with him, im like, bitch plz i don't give a fuck i srsly just want this pic. fuck ulterior motives i am actually doing what i'm doing right now. but this is crazy, right? and then on the bicep of his left arm, i believe it says it reverse. true. cray.

happy 4th and be happy, nadal

2011-07-04T16:51:00.001-04:00

i don't give a fuck about sports except i watch and like tennis. men's tennis. womens' tennis their sex noises make me a little uncomfortable, esp because it sounds like they're in pain. men's tennis that is not a problem for me. they're always lunging and extending or squatting and rocking... it's a fucking dopeass sexy sport. esp when rafaaaaa's playin. rafael nadal, people, with his sorta crooked smile and beefy-yet-trim-as-fuck body. damn, bitches, it is SO SAD that he has a long-time girlfriend who he seems to love so deeply because i do not want to hate on a bitch. but dammit, i do. damn. djokovic won whimbledon yesterday so nadal was like :( it was mad cute. and happy 4th (or whatever?)

love this deer-in-headlights thing to cleanse the palate.

yes of course i'll take this. bulging boxa briefs, bitch -- bulging not just from his dick but like his muscly ass or whatevz.

he looks like australian here. whatevz, im down.

i love a man who's not afraid to bend over. love. it. i heard they photoshopped his ass DOWN for this to make it SMALLER. not into that flatass aryan shit, bring the orig booty back, plz!

new york mag, very pensive.

same shit but this was the cover. gorg. like i don't even understand the forearm muscles???

i mean really. REALLY.

hooker pussy...

2011-07-02T00:04:00.000-04:00

looks a lot like a blurry penis. lol imagine if your general practitioner said "cock" instead of "penis" which, i believe, is medically PC. MC... medically correct.

via matt stopera's pix on some crazy site

SUPERBASS + PARTY

2011-06-21T16:19:00.002-04:00

nicki's so fuckin hot, she's killin it with videos. gaga's vids are like you see em once and that's enough. nicki's aren't clever like robyn but they're HOT, and they're just solid music vids. every scene is a hot new setup, and i keep goin back for more. there's like a rainbow of fly girls and i think i could fill the jewish flavor... like neapolitan ice cream of women. objectifying!

i love the men. jesus christ, they look like 'delicious' if you will -- fkin yum. the women are so hot, love the gender separation and then them merging. and that blacklight shit is sooooo hotttttttt, it's like so porny but high-end artsy porn. fuck porn, though, it's honestly usually terrifying.

nicki fulfills gender conventions in many ways ie. her modified bod, her Barbie thing (but Eliot believes it's satire), she calls herself a bitch and guys "daddy," etc. aright that just grossed me out. but bitch IS satirical or whatever, like "nigga" but for Wom¥n. i understand peeps who say N-O to that shit, though. but nicki really does try on dicks regularly -- and sometimes quite lit'rally!

idk i think she plays the traditional female role when she wants to and is a fuckin dude or just somewhere in between just as often. that's something guys don't GET to do bc if they do they're like 'fags.' i can tell thatchur in touch with ya feminyne syyyde!

my fave thing is when she calls herself the president because she's not like the female president, she just says THE PResiden. like we don't call Barack "the black president" because he's just THE president. she's the president of young money sometimes.

whoops forgot: broad city finale

2011-06-16T08:50:00.000-04:00

i'm such a re-re, i never posted this. here is the second season finale of broad city, "I Heart NY," guest-starring Kristen Schaal, Andrea Rosen, and Amy Poehler. with appearances by sunanda sachatrakul, sabrina jalees, sasheer zamata, george karemen, damien lemon, ellen riotto, cinque ubangi kemp, boris khaykin, jaime bandres, larry glazer, noah plener, madelaine plener, stef kauffman, eden reis, annie friedman, adira amram, jessi eroan, maresa d'amore, chioke nassor, ariel karlin, and john gemberling.

DIRECTED & SCORED BY TJ MISNY
PRODUCED BY SUNANDA SACHATRAKUL
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY ADAM NEWPORT-BERRA
PA'd BY ANNIE FRIEDMAN, EDEN REIS, and DWAYNE GLASSES.

eat ur heart out!

martin short on ellen (lit'rally)

2011-06-15T13:31:00.001-04:00

i've been watching a lot of Jiminy Glick lately, and i found ellen being interviewed. it's weird because she's not warm nor friendly, though she is hilarious and lovable, still. but it was in 2003, right before ellen started doing her talk show. but idk i feel like jiminy was overcompensating for her being a lesbian. whatevz. i like this kinda tightass version of her, though, it feels closer to who she is. i've heard she's kind of mean, so i want to believe it. also, bad bitches gettin money, so it's like chyeah get it.

and then here's maw'in on ellen's talk show, where el's bright and ya know, the perfect host, and martin is the perfect guest. lol he seriously looks handsome and is so charming. i recently was in a situation where i was like, "but so-and-so is the perrrfect guyyy for me" -- the "but" because the feeling isn't mutual, and the rhetorical statement is, i guess, complaining to god. and i thought about how i never say that about other people nevertheless myself. nevvver myself. even my parents, who ARE perfect for each other, my mom was like once, "nope, couldn't have worked out with anybody else." i was like psh plz bitch there's like 100 'perfect' 'the one'(s) for everyone, you meet like 20 of them over your life and explore the possibility with like 5 if you're lucky and really date and live and love with 2 at most if you're LUCKY. most people it's like 0! and i was like, "and you and dad found each other and stuck with it, but that doesn't mean others wouldn't be a possibility. what about norman?" norman's the father of this family that is our family friends, who we spend holidays with after we spend them with our blood relatives. my mom was like, "oh. well... maybe you're right" hahaha she had never considered it before, but it's like... see?? it could be possible with anybody you love. i think it's MORE special that we CHOOSE who we want to work with and live next to in life and partner with rather than 'god' plucking the person out of the clouds and placing him/her in our personal narratives. reality is way more romantic than any shit we can make up. annnnyway, so i was like "he's the perfect guy for me, and i NEVER say that!" and then when i thought about it, another One for me is martin short. if i could go back in time and bring a young martin short to me now, i think he would be one of The Ones. lol he's perfect for me.
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look a dat face

2011-06-15T08:57:00.001-04:00

that is an unbelievable face. she looks through you to your heart. she is the quintessential old dog, emma. was. dead dog. oh, go blog about it! okay that's what i'm doing. this was my dog emma from when i was 8 till about 2 summers ago when we had to put her down. she was awesome, the gentlest dog and a total pussy. she killed something maybe once but otherwise only chased birds for fun. she was afraid of swimming, so the only way to get her to do it would be to lure her with cheese -- a little piece to get her into the water, a little piece to dangle in front of her nose to make her swim in a circle, then another piece just as a Good Job thing when she came out. she didn't really like going out in the rain, either. my parents both worked at night, and eliot was either not there or somewhere undetectable in the house, doing whatever the fuck, and emma would chill with me. for years, we just hung out every night. awww my sweet little baby. i was terrified of being burglarized or home invaded and raped or something, but emma relaxed me. yes to dogs, they are the best animals on earth.

dudes are douches

2011-06-14T22:09:00.005-04:00

mk real quick givin my highlights on this solid article worth a foreal read, srsly just start it and see what happens.

“The shorthand of it is that women run for office to do something, and men run for office to be somebody,” said Debbie Walsh, director of the Center for American Women and Politics at Rutgers University.
“When voters find out men have ethics and honesty issues, they say, ‘Well, I expected that,’ " Ms. Lake said. “When they find out it’s a woman, they say, ‘I thought she was better than that.’ "
“Having a woman in that mix changes the dynamic,” she said, “and it’s actually not even subtle. It’s very obvious. damn bitches dont play

like siiiing it, bitches goddammit women are so badass foreal. women are such hardasses i love it. women be the future bitches. exaaaactly. dead on. women are an army, bitch! unf unf get it chyeah.

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pigs feet are unbelievable

2011-06-06T06:18:00.000-04:00

this is really an unbelievable food product. i can't believe it's edible, and i can't believe it's sold. i also wish that it were more like a dog chew but for humans.

u r wut u luv (not wut luvz u)

2011-06-03T11:42:00.001-04:00

nicholas cage, nick cage, is one scary muthrfkr. but he is perfect and elegant in this scene. it's from Adaptation. damn i love it. this is a scene that permanently unlocked my brain in a specific way when i first saw it, and i think about it very often. le sigh, monsieur cage, take it away. lol so lame.

robyn's new video

2011-06-03T00:36:00.001-04:00

i love robyn so much. i give robyn my money and haven't yet nicki because robyn is so much more clearly good ethically. i love giving robyn my money. unfortunately, though, i don't think i can see her with katy perry because ill puke up my fucking guts during kp's entire set. pfat titteez.

turning tide: lady reads

2011-05-17T14:40:00.000-04:00

There's been a lot of kickass inspiration happening out there in the energy planes (lol I made that term up), and I want to share in one place. It's a little bit WHITE WOMEN WHITE WOMEN... A real, tangible and long over-due change is happening in representation for women, and unfortunately, most revolutions in the U.S. are kinder to white people first. Always. Think gays. Thing unions or whatever. Models! Models and actresses. Think anything that happens ever. I'm not unaware of it, but these articles have so far been brought to my attention. Do I wish Whoopi wrote something in to NYT? Yeah, duh. She should have her own show. Should there be a feature on Wanda Sykes, just for being Wanda Sykes? Yeah dur everybody loves Wanda Sykes like errybody love Amy Poehler. Should Marina Franklin be featured in Vulture, Gothamist, Gawker, Jezebel, etc. for being an stand-up legend in the making? Yeah, of course, she's hilarious and starkly beautiful in-and-out and the only female awkward king of comedy. But yeah, these are just some articles that have been brought to my attention today and yesterday, and they're about women who are white. Okay?? So here we go.

AMY POEHLER IN NYMAG - 5.16.2011

ROSEANNE BARR IN THE NEW YORK TIMES - 5.17.2011

DOLLY PARTON IN BLACKBOOK MAG - 5.17.2011

ROBYN IN OUT - 5.17.2011

and also BROAD CITY IN GOTHAMIST by melanie jane parker - 5.17.2011

payce

last eva hack into broad city + broad city live this thursday

2011-05-17T05:39:00.001-04:00

Hack Into Broad City is HIBC, but I wish it were the same as HBIC aka head bitch in charge, luv that. So last one eva, directed by Hanly Banks and David Vendette and edited by Kelly Hudson.

Also, Broad City Live is 'happening' this Thursday at 9 at 92Y-Tri, and gonna be like the birthday party I'd actually want. I'm pretty damn pumped, juicin' lol, whatever that means. Fuck it's gonna be great -- eps being screened including a short film that was just an episode we shot that ran real long, and we have performers including one of my faves, damien lemon, and the fuckin legend in the making and near-future icon, kristen schaal. Also, it becomes a dance party! Come with your mom, mine will be there.

sterkel: when blaque + white ppl look alike

2011-05-08T23:33:00.001-04:00

my friends sterling looks like jaleel white. i love when people of different races look alike because it's like we r 1 u kno?? but foreal "we are all african"(which i think is a heidi klum/seal like gap ad or some shit no joke). the dj at my brother's bar mitzvah lol, whose name i believe was 'glenn,' looked like Alfonso Ribeiro. anway check sterling out at mandoodle. aw sterl.

BROAD CITY: THE COMMUTE

2011-05-03T11:03:00.000-04:00

ya know, i just don't get to use this enough. facebook is like, "no nudity." im like but it's really funny?? hello? if i were like bony or some shit it wouldn't be funny, it would be like that like hot-lezzes-in-t-shirts-kissing pic. but it's not, it's like my pasty ass and pinchable obliques and abbi's terror. cmon bitches.

DIRECTED BY KEVIN MILLER, DP - LANE SAVAGE, MUSIC - DAN CHAMBERLAIN

CLICK HERE TO WATCH for hot tits chicks boobs titties jewish girl

feel freeeeeeeeee to share, tweet, Like us on facebook, etc...

aw my brother is so sweet

2011-05-02T18:57:00.003-04:00

my sweet lil bro (::ahem:: 4 years older ::cough::), eliot glazer, for my birthday, wrote the most heartwarming and emotionally open piece for GLOC (Glennis McMurray + Brandy Barber's website standing for Gorgeous Ladies of Comedy, which was just picked up by Olivia Wingate, thankyouverymuch), and it just made me super verklempt. he is such a dude in so many ways (first being what i believe his genitalia to be), including that i think (i think + he disagrees) he is not the most in touch with himself. he IS, and he's fine, but it seems to me that he's way more in touch with his relationships with others. i'm the opposite. i'm more open about my relationship with myself bc it's like, who's it hurting? or whatever, not hurting, but i control the whole situation in that case. but el's a total mush when it comes to his family and friends. whatever like 'statement' im trying to make? it's just very sweeet, and if you want to read it, click the link below. you don't have to because it's very like, braggy about me, but just wanted to show you that he wrote it because it's sweet and this picture taken by the insanely cool mindy tucker.

this is the thing

FRANK OCEAN

2011-04-26T23:43:00.001-04:00

fuck tyler is right. i just liked him bc he's fucking cute. but his lyrics are like faggotfaggotfaggotfaggot and it's like ::eyeroll/jackoff gesture:: idk he's young, but it's like okay, can you move on, plz? but my real love is frank ocean. ahem!... frank.

unf unf unf unf unf unf unffffffffffffffffffffffffuck!!!! i knew when i'd listen, i'd get addicted to it. now i'm just trying to listen so much that i get sick of it, but it's just like in my head when i'm not listening. he's dope. odd future is the new beatles (or whatever), and frank's george fasho. god he is so cute, love that chin. he really exposes himself on that album. i listen to half the songs on repeat and am still coming to learn 3 or 4. omg how have i not named it yet.. nostalgia/ultra free download here. CHILL it's free bc he leaked it via tweeeeetster and said like "fuck island def jam for taking advantage of a kid with dreams" lol which is very romantic. so download it money-free and guilt-free here. whew. but nicki's still my fave payce.

also he's not perf, either. calls women bitches which all rappers do... hm does wale? wale, common, and talib might be the only rappers that don't normally and profusely use "bitch," but frank does. it's kind of fucked up. but it's the world right now, and the world includes frank ocean. but he does believe that "marriage isn't between a man and woman but between love and love." okay? so points for frank. he's learning, too!

nicki vs lucille ball

2011-04-08T13:57:00.000-04:00

twiiiiinsiiiiiies. nicki's the funniest rapper, too, so this comparison makes total sense to more than just me for sure.

the world is ending so quickly

2011-03-31T14:18:00.000-04:00

NOOOOOOO. Snoop whyyyyyy. I'm down with selling out and making money, but to perpetuate the wealthiest, meanest, most violent re-re? Should not have done this. Fuck, come on, Snoop. JUST DIE ALREADY, CHARLIE SHEEN. Goddammit, I thought he was gonna be dead by April 1st. Ugh I keep saying this but he is going to kill a buncha women and fuck their dead bodies, and then everyone will be like, "Oooh-kay. Okay, we actually did see that coming." Fuck, somebody's gotta lock that bitch in a box.

ew snoop sheen

Ugh if they kiss int he movie, it'll be worth it. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!!!! Total Lolita story, can't wait for this. ALSO DIE.*

bieber & ashton gonna fuck in a movie

via ontd durrr

*the projcet

Broad City: Make It Rain

2011-03-29T17:20:00.000-04:00

Broad City's latest episode is called "Make It Rain," directed by Hanly Banks and guest-starring Hollie Haggans, Karen Lininger, and Ariel Karlin. Yay!

lol ew: baby leg warmers

2011-03-29T12:22:00.000-04:00

Ew I just found this store called Bibi & Mimi, which, when said like a beeebee, is pretty gross. try it: beeebeee n meeemeeee awwwweeeeee. they have slutty baby shit, like baby leg warmers -- what ever happened to pants, amirite, ladies?

polka dots for your innocent quirky baby

rainbow stripes for your gayby

dinos for your silly boi baby

i'd like an adult(?) keds version of these

and/or these

saw a not-white lady pushing a stroller for pearly white lil twins, and they looked like lil english princes, already totally over life. sowwy, babies, don't do drugs.

ah fuck i DO love him

2011-03-24T16:14:00.000-04:00

but only as an effin re-re who's like actually 19 or 20. he's so fuckin' cute and the fact that he has that voice inside a boyish frame... like plz stop makin me a pedo, dude. But he's 20, y'all, and I think he's had more sex than me, so maybz HE'S the fuckin pedo. he totally is. omg he's so cute, i hope i meet him in ten yrs when he a mannnn. or i'll meet him now hook up once and remember it fondly, i'll take whatevz.

hahahahaha why did this ever happen?

2011-03-23T14:38:00.002-04:00

It's a shame that my smart fucking brain is filled with mostly dank garbage. These two were in a movie together that I didn't see -- A Prairie Home Companion -- and Mural Streep is like a 'saint' and Lindsay's a 'sinner' lol ew.

It's like the picture was sandblasted on Muryl's face, and Lindsay's trying to be like "classy" or something because she has brown hair and no lip fillers yet and not sucking on her fingertips. Subtle!

High-quality sexy shit like this is at its most basic, atomic level, soft core porn, and that's what celebrities are... like soft core porn stars. Models with a back story. They just physically and temperamentally fit a part or series of gigs and publicize them on a spectrum which ranges from advertisement to porn. That's the career, and the pattern on which you do it puts the subjects/celebz on a spectrum from "unclassy" to "classy," like it contributes to their overall perceived character, and they're judged on it and some of the kids are in the honors programs, and some are "smart" for the regular classes, some are not capable in the regular classes, and then special ed kids.

If this had been part of... like when magazines print several different covers to one issue in on month, I'd do these pairs.

Angela Bassett and Megan Fox would be srsly sewww qttttt. Angela Bassett is ageless while Megan looks both 4 and 44. Angela was in Malcom X and Megan was in Jonah Hex, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Snooki who I feel like I'm supposed to call "a piece of shit" looks developmentally disabled, and Dame Jude would lit'rally vomit, at least a lil, after talking to Shneakers. Maybz Judes is drunk from partying w Snooki tho...

Hahahahahaha ew who the fuck is Aubrey O'Day and why is she on Oxygen? I love Diane West, she smokes weed, I know it.

oh, that's a surprise

2011-03-22T17:20:00.001-04:00

Paris Hilton thinks Black guys are "gross,' and "one percent" Black is enough for her to be not interested. I know I'm not Black I KNOW, but this really irritates me. Click here to read if you care.

Is Aryan mental r*tard is the ideal race to this spoiled lady-prick? Like come. on. bitch. You are already exactly what you look like; you are also SINCERELY a white supremacist -- I thought that was just your face!

Ew your mouth should never be open ya dumb fuck -- not to speak, CERTAINLY not to sing and not after you sucked the blood from a little girl's neck for youth juice. And those skin-lightening treatments seem to be paying off.

Ewwww you're so fucking gross. Just because you could cut ice with that jaw doesn't mean anybody wants to see it in action. Blegh if anything make another sex tape and stop talking, just cut the live-action shit bc you're gross and you kiss like it's your first time. And it's obvz not cuz ur a 'slut' or whatever.

Hahahaha you stupid bitch.

Fuck you you stupid fucking Nazi. Black people don't want you either. I mean I think.

new HACK INTO BROAD CITY: totally fucked up

2011-03-21T19:50:00.000-04:00

Please enjoy the newest episode of HACK INTO BROAD CITY, the mini-series within the series this season. This one's called "Totally Fucked Up" and was directed by Hanly Banks & David Vendette and edited by Kelly Q. E. Hudson.

jon hamm is so sexy

2011-03-21T17:50:00.000-04:00

hot wasp dads are exotic to me, and that's what hammy looks like to me here. fuckin hot damn, bitches. i just want to hug his head aka force him to motorboat me. fuck, i wanna motorboat him. ew lol that's more dank with dudes bc their shit is like, stowed away 23 hours a day. whatevz, i'd be down wit dis dood.

Stooshe or stooooooooooshe!

2011-03-21T14:14:00.001-04:00

New fave group, these bitches are so hot. TLC + Amy Winehouse + a flair of Kid and Play. So so so so hot, this is mad fun.

via Dlisted aka genius Michael K

my mug in TONY

2011-03-17T17:02:00.001-04:00

this was so fern. JANE BORDEN was kind enough to choose my joke. BRENDAN MCMULLEN was kind enough to take this picture -- even before this thang was goin' down. and sweet sweet TIME OUT NEW YORK was chill enough to publish "fuck" in big pink letters. fuck yeah, TONY!

cameron diaz is an annoying aryan b

2011-03-17T12:57:00.001-04:00

Ever since the Charlie Sheen thing has been going down, I've been thinking about how all celebrities lie somewhere on the spectrum that ranges from Normal Human Being, also known as "trolls," to Celebrity Alien, a psychotically amplified version of the reality of what a celebrity is. The latter end of the spectrum includes Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Whitney Houston, even Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, Gary Busey, Lindsay Lohan. The further you are toward Celebrity Alien, the bigger percentage of the general population you perceive to be a troll.

Cameron Diaz has been famous for over 20 years, and it's not even her fault that she's a celebrity alien, and it's even fine if she thinks every one else is a troll but not if she wants to sell her movies to them. Rich people don't need to use social networking tools to connect because they like to use technology from simpler times because it makes them feel humbled even though it's the opposite. Also they have commoners do stuff for them so much that it's like too much responsibility to tend to themselves.

Check the video @ 1:44 Carmen Deez is calls it "that Facebook thing" which is like bitch plz you know the fucking name... She makes fun of trolls on Facebook. Then if you give a shit, go to part 3 below where she asks the audience in her best over-the-hill-baby voice to "Pwease go on Myspace" to like, jack off to the movie. Bitch, FB is the rich version of MySpace. Not only is she a hypocrite she's an idiot hypocrite.

Her movie makes me want to cry for girls getting sold as sex slaves because Carmen is like stroking the peens of the buyers. Ah well. Fuck this bitch.

Here's part 2 and part 3 if you wanted to cry while you were masturbating (amirite, fellas?)..

plz do your eyes and belly a favor and WATCH THE BROAD CITY DREAM EPISODE

2011-03-16T12:15:00.000-04:00

ugh im sorry to hurt your eyes with those caps back there, but i'm dyin' for as many people to see this as possible. ima stop bein' polite and start gettin rill. written by me and abbi jacobson and directed by dan opsal and assisted and produced by da queen also known as lisa opsal. mad good shit, lotta tricks of the trade employed here.

ew i'm a pedo

2011-03-10T18:34:00.000-05:00

I just found out about Tyler the Creator, and I feel terrible because even though he's 19, born IN THE FUCKING 90s, I still seriously want to get the S F'd outta me by him. I've only been reading about him so far, not listening to him yet because I fear an impending obsession, but I'm gearing up for that shit. I really have no idea wut iz the rill dill, but I gather he's a middle-class kid from LA who was mad ambitious at an early age and longs to shape his artistic voice. I mean he is madddd young for those aspirations -- to even conceive of those fucking aspirations, Jesus Christ. His brother is called Earl Sweatshirt and is apparently an even more talented lyricist than my boy Tyler. Plus he's like a geniuz-ritahd, which is my favorite type in the world. He like tweets half dumb shit half genius shit. Maybe I like him because I'm a 17-y/o boi inside, but bitch I got tits, so it doesn't matter what's in my brain. Damn.

He's soooOOoOOOOoo pretty, too. At least he's more than 18! Ew this is gross. I also like wanna F a couple of my friend's younger bros who are about this age 'cuz it's like awww ur a lil puppy. Hehe and look at his like 'sneer' here, but u know he a sweetie and dorky in ways. No doubt, you can see it in his adorbz lil face. Omg not like he's a KID just that he's like cute. Cmon you guys I don't mean it that way!!! Although he would totally be like my pool boi and would do whatevz I said bc I'd be the HBIC.

Omg gorg, givin his best bitch face. Bitch, plz. Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, that's what they're called. Abbrev'd OFWGKTA -- like... brilliant. Unsettling, unapologetic, uncompromising. So hot, dying. Pussy crying dicks dying find me, bitch n ferk meeee. I wonder if Tyler the Creator watches Broad City...

oplzoplzoplzoplz. nah whatever ugh fuck this kid. unf.

lucill ball x holly madison

2011-03-01T23:12:00.000-05:00

is it me or does holly madison look like a pornslut version of lucille ball?

new Broad Shittays

2011-02-28T12:53:00.002-05:00

Broad City's Season 2 is going to be 15 consecutive weeks of Monday morning content release -- woohoo! Fuck you, Monday Morning, we gotchu now! Every other week will be a full episode, and in between, a video-chat episode that's part of the "Hack Into Broad City" mini-series will release.

Here's our first HIBC episode, "Shitty Sex."

And here's our 2nd full episode, "Eliot."

This episode was directed by a pro director of the 'alt-'comedy scene, Pete Schultz of Bobby Chicago. He's a chillass dude, super talented and not an ounce of douche in him. Pete's really excellent.

ecny's

2011-02-26T00:51:00.000-05:00

There's a fun thing in the comedy community called The ECNY's -- awards for emerging comics of New York, and Broad City was nominated as a web series, Abbi was nominated for her illustration that was our 92Y-Tri posters, and I was nodded for emerging comic. If you want to vote or like voting for things, knock yourself out:

http://www.ecnyawards.com/vote/

durrr but still fascinating

2011-02-21T00:12:00.000-05:00

nytimes: plastic surgery amonggroups mirrors beauty ideals

Azns get eyelid surgery to have like white people eyelids? isn't that part of why they're so youthful looking, sweet azns? Dominicans getting butt surgery and liposuction... Part of me is like um can i just have a lil lipo in my inner-thighs? but then it's like wait you wanna suck shit out of your body out of like a plumbing tube? i think about titty reductors sometimes, lil reduction + lift, anyone? sryyyyy to admit it, but i'm a vessel, a body of reactions to shit i see, and all i see are like elbow thighs... like it's okay that my thighs touch, right?

Broad City Season 2 premiere: Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T18:53:00.001-05:00

I hope you enjoy this immensely.

congrats, michael k

2011-02-08T16:21:00.000-05:00

I would think someone like the god of my brain, Michael K of Dlisted, would no longer have dreams. He has a loyal following, he leads a school of thought (the Stoner Slut School) that defines a generation no joke, and he gets paid to do what he loves. He is his own boss, he's the only HBIC, and he's the underground Perez Hilton aka way better.

But even modern philosophers like Michael K have dreams that need true-coming. Ahem... Truth cumming... whatevz. Latoya Jackson sent him a special message. Can you imagine that shit happening in LA while MK is chillin' none the wiser? RuPaul's like, "Sure I'll film that," and it's a fucking special message, stranger to stranger, LaToya Jackson to Michael K, no actual physical meeting but still a connection.

rarrr!

the jacket

2011-02-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

I was in a video with my fuckin' i-doll, Andrea Rosen, directed by the multi-talented John Milhiser with sound by Joe Bonacci -- also multi-talented, also hilarious. It was on CCInsider - thank god for that Gonzalo Cordova.

one more week til season 2 of Broad City

2011-02-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

2011-02-04T13:21:00.000-05:00

thank you, i love charts.

JUST DIE, CHRIS SMITH! u fucking idiot

2011-02-02T14:59:00.001-05:00

What does Chris Smith care if a woman needs an abortion? Chris Smith should worry about his own fucking abortion? OH WAIT HE COULD NEVER HAVE ONE BECAUSE HE COULD NEVER BE PREGNANT. Then why is he deciding what people who can get preggerz should do with their body? Seems to me like this asshole has a case of the Rich Crusty White Dude and thinks he owns all land and all people. Look at their truly evil faces:

Fuck you, all of you stupid pieces of shit in Congress. Stupid government, calling itself Democracy when it's really an empire of entitled bitches starting with our founding fathers who didn't wanna pay taxes and decided that shit was righteous. Eat my fucking pussy! This generation of douches needs to DIE the fuck OFF. DIE MOTHERFUCKERS, DIE.

Click here to get angry.

is it just me...

2011-02-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

...or do Gary Cole and Eyewitness News reporter Lucy Yang look alike?

kinda right?

jane x jane

2011-02-01T09:53:00.008-05:00

thaz coo, jane curtin and jane krakowski look alike. it's realllly cool lol.

struttin dat ass

2011-01-31T00:43:00.000-05:00

michael k of dlisted is literally (i mean that literally) god. a literal god. literal literal literal literal literal. does it mean anything anymore?

he is probably responsible for 98% of the views on this vid which is ever so glorious. you get wrapped up in the confusion of whats happening, and then halfway through this guy becomes a fire cracker and i just wish it were longer.

one of my fave vids ever, please enjoy dis man ~struttin dat ass~

GIFSoup

white boys singing Respect

2011-01-29T14:41:00.001-05:00

so i really love this vid of Jennifer Hudson singing to Tina Fey at the mark twain awards ceremony; i watch it to get revved up when i have to leave my apartmentcave and enter A Man's World. when i first watched it, i was def emotional throughout the whole program because Tina Fey is my living dream idol, and i was so happy she was getting the props she's earned, but when this song came on and there's that moment where T-bonez is glassy-eyed (from crying, u stoner!) and laughs to herself in a way that makes it seem like the whole thing -- what turned out to be the massive significance of career, this whole ceremony -- is just as incredible to her, i started bawling. bawl. innnn, bitch. but i'm a baller bawler, so it's not a unique moment, just a meaningful one for me. so i replay that shit!

then, while searching for a vid of aretha singing it herself, i found this one, of some tweeny white boys singin, cameo-ing their mom and dad and friends and little brother doing the worm, i was quite pleased. first of all, i think they edited themselves, and it's really cool how accessible filmmaking has become. i know it's accessible to them because they're upper-class suburban tweens, but hey, it's a first step. and it's so cool to see them do this before they think it's 'gay' or whatever, because the whole vid is def so gay. they like try on bein' sassy, and it's really sweet. it's heartwarming, esp relative to other tweens like the Queen of the Lesbians (sooo sad).

via TnBProductions123 lol '123'

aw. awesome. then i found the type of video i wanted to originally, with aretha, and it's just perfect. how sincere shit used to be, jesus christ! what a fucking trashbag our world is now and the representation of it. there's no special effects, no flaw-erasing lighting, no auto-tune, no fake titties, fake lips, fake noses, etc. no cleavage, even! no skin showing! imagine now?! simply talent. actual talent. it captures someone awe-inspiring instead of skillfully crafting something that looks like that. damn.

via BenKarbie

LOVE THAT SWEAT DRIPPIN'. there's no concept other than the words themselves. aretha franklin, whew! damn, man.

cool music vidja

2011-01-27T17:16:00.000-05:00

my friend shaun diston is one of the few straight dude friends i consider my actual friend as opposed to solely a future-penis-person. he sent me this vid because he thought of me when watching it, and i just had to share it because i never would have found it on my own because, srsly, i'm not cool about music in that way at all.

aw look at his sweet punim, bright-eyed and genuinely supportive of women.

fuckin love shaun diston -- NO ONE doesn't love him after they meet him.

anyway this vid is mad cool, makes me wanna dance and LEAVE MY FUCKING OFFICE and actually do what i lerv during the DAY. omfg sry to complain, i've been angry and irritable for a month or two. the winter solstice didn't bring me any solace, and it usually does because i love knowing the days are only getting shorter. but nope, don't care. just annoyed.

le sigh, debbie downer ova hea! i hope the vid lifts you up if you're down since i clearly haven't.

love you, reader!

wiz iz zexy II

2011-01-26T12:21:00.003-05:00

Ugh he is so cute.
Via ONTD's victoryjeffrey.

this bitch is barely not white

2011-01-25T13:18:00.000-05:00

MTV's Skins is the newest kiddie-porn for 20- & 30-somethings who strongly relate to tweens via emotional immaturity and masturbation. This shit creeps me the fuck out. Most TV teens are actually like 23 or 24, and it's ridic that everybody is supposed to want to fuck them for pretending to be 16-year olds. But these teens are actually 16 and 17, and I think it makes audiences want to fuck 12-13 year olds. ::Shudder:: I looked like a big-tittied 14-year old from ages 10-18, and I've witnessed many a jeer from drooling men who want nothing more than to make a hymen bleed. It creeps me the fuck out, man. Did this bitch just get jizzed on, btw??!?!

But besides the fact that this show is about brainwashing adults into raping children, it pretends to reflect a rainbow of diversity, but it's just tan versions of English children. This bitch is what, 'Indian?' An eighth something-brown and the rest pure KKK white? Give me a fucking break that she represents anyone but the Paris Hilton percentage of the population.

Is that 'Zoe Seldana' on the left? Op, nope, just some bony light-coca b with 'ethnic' curls to make the audience feel like they have an open-minded idea of beauty when it's really the same-old-as-ever Aryan boundaries of aesthetics are what the 'casting directors'/professional pedophiles made their decision. I guess the Azn is representing, but Ima say no, not really.

Ew, fuck this show, fuck ALL white people (jews are rugulach-tinted white people -- white people are WASPs) and fuck MTV for like licking the pussies and boy-pussies of 11-year olds in the US and Britain. TV IS SO GROSS.

a rich white princess dickface? wow, unique!

2011-01-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

the world would be a much better place is this dude followed this bitch all the time. i just read on ONTD that julia roberts's neice is a spoiled cuntress, and i'm choosing to believe it because i'm jealous of how blessed this annoying bitch's life is. decide for yourself, though. like yeah duh bitch, if your aunt is the WASPrincess of commercial American cinema, skill won't be required for you to get a job. or many main parts in movies. or the tall&thin thing. everyone will be nice to you always. fuck this bitch i'm over it.

luv that regretsy

2011-01-12T11:42:00.000-05:00

hahahahahaha look at this request, i want to paint it so bad. click here to see the full ad and people's comments, which are pretty funny. i love this idea so much especially because they look incredibly alike. i'd love to see the painting or just watch them fuck in real life. Tosh.0 def has "small, hairless testicles," and i appreciate John Cena tugging them so gently. it would be cute/hot/repulsive/sweet etc. i seriously might sketch this out!!!!

wow they look so alike, Tosh is like the hipster misogynist version and john cena is the white trash hottie, jacked to the brim. jacked to whatever belt he's holding. omfg i would love to watch them S each other's D's, i think it would just be funny to see Tosh get f'd form behind fasho.

to top it off, this was posted by user "Helen Killer." i love with this person.

2011-01-10T23:06:00.000-05:00

woohoo! i made the connection. stupid ads, literally fake people, LIT'RALLY animated people. how the fuck can reality stand up to animation? or maybe it's just all representation. whatever that means lol.

holy shit: vivian maier

2011-01-04T17:09:00.001-05:00

ho-lee shit, you guys, i am cheesing ma lil panties over this photographer who was a bad-A b, and her pix are seriously you guys, like... srsly, a sick artist. some young dude found her stuff and is publishing her life's work. and it's all really beautiful. oh and this b is dead, by the way, which will make her more successful i think -- otherwise these broads r blabbin' all day about what 'inspired' them or some shit amirite? check the blogshpot hurrr!

omg deep n shit..

internet ad to have an affair

2011-01-03T17:32:00.001-05:00

just saw this ad for ashleymadison.com, so gross. also pretty sure this bitch's mug is form an "animate yourself" ad on fb. ew this dude would totally suck michael lohan's dick.

is it just me, or r guys who use ez smoker total douches?

2010-12-28T09:05:00.001-05:00

the dude in the restaurant rubs me the wrong way - don't rub me at all!

the ilana glazer cleanse

2010-12-27T16:04:00.001-05:00

if you get high and eat a lot at night, this is the cleanse for you.

late-night, use the munchies as an excuse to eat a ton of different shit - chinese food, nutella, i'm talkin peanut butter, cornbread and soup - whatever you got.
the next morning, make a pot of coffee. drink it, and shit a lot.
make it be a snow day and don't eat because you don't need any energy to do nothing around your apartment. you're really full, anyway.

that's it.

reindeer men

2010-12-24T11:47:00.001-05:00

woooooow this is fucking craaaaazy. i loooove silent youtube videos, first of all, but i also love and respect serious cosplay. merry haunted xmas <3

via dlisted

luv dat wendy

2010-12-21T01:30:00.000-05:00

this clip is so nutty i don't even know where to begin, i can't..
i think viv has dermal fillers - everybody has dermal fillers out there! in la...
i love wendy's proportions, i hope dat bitch's bra size is bigger than mine foreal because i recently finally understood the difference between size and proportion, and the proportion is where the cup size comes into play - it's like material that 'covers an area,' but it doesn't necessarily cradle or lift the right way unless you research your shit. ew i hope ur not like jacking off to this shit, whoever you are who reads my blog. eh fuckit i don't care, im down witit if it's strangers, like faceless people aka the internet, which is like the biggest metaphor for the human race masturbating to itself, both literally and... transcendentally. or something.
honestly no joke at all, wendy is a piofuckineer for women, talking about that shit on television menopause and 'full period.' hahaha ugh omg i really love her. i love that her show just feels like you're chillin' wit wendy even tho her world's a lil twizted
LMAO @ vivica: "i'm very, very fertile...and he appears to be fertile, too." it's line for her at that moment, that shit is brilliant.

one badass bitch lookin like a buncha badass bitches

2010-12-20T17:47:00.000-05:00

okay so nicki homages bitches in her music and is self-aware in many ways, on way being that she knows nothing is new under the sun. no matter how fuckin hard you try and weird you dress and crazy you sang, you're still gonna remind someone of somebody else. she does this on purpose, calls it out herself.

howEVVVer, she also is like other beauty queens in ways she cannot control, and she certainly can't be aware of them all. here are some:

som emiddle eastern singin' B looks EXACTLY fucking exaaaactlyyyy like ms. maraj b. damn. IT. dis bitch on the left is fuckin hot. love nicki in that pic. you actually forget that stupid 'tard is from amurrican apparel. fuck dattttttt. hot luvit wanna be it..

luv. these. bitches. older + younger. chaka even has a comparable ass, nicki's just a tight lil version. nicki also knows what her future could look like. keep it tight, girl! but honestly i love chaka a lil bigger, girl needs some comfy sweats or leggins with those curves!

lastly, nicki looks a lil like jackée harry. however, post-op, her nose leans toward AngloAryan, so it's not as striking as i think it used to be. however, pix of nicki's old nose are not as like, head-on or as the pic below. o well.

a, le sigh. my love goes on and on...

larry fitzgerald makes the name 'larry' sexy

2010-12-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

my dad's name is larry and my mom makes fun of it because she thinks it's a bad name. his middle name is miles, which can be chill. or creepy because i've known a few creepyass miles's in my day. i;ve always thought of 'larry' as the quintessential dad/middle-aged white dude name, but larry fitzgerald makes it the sexiest fucking name. jesus fucking christ, he is un.believ.ably gorgeous.

i got into sir larry fitzgerald because a friend of mine is family friends with him. honestly, i still don't even know what team he's on. i just know he wears a football uniform, is a beauteous dad, and does a ton of charity for a variety of causes. other than the fact that football's dangerous and degrades players' bodies severely, he makes a perfect husband/partner/dude to get down wit. on. whatever.

lord. all. mighty. what a man what a man what a man what a man what a MIGHTY. GOOD. MAN. jesus. lord christ. what a fun little waist he has. his abs are like a joke, i've never seen someone's abs like that. i'm not woman enough for this dude. my friend is and i want her to... not even just bang him. i want her to penetrate his heart.

awwww what a sweeetieeee. 'proud to be loved' i think his lil boi's shirt says awwwww. a good father is a good man, period.

i mean he's just a sweet dude. this is just a beautiful person right here, that's it. he's just beautiful and glowing, that it is.

if my friend reads this: GET IT, GIRL. whatever that means and whatever it takes. get. it.

uncanny

2010-12-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

this is not meant to be mean at all because i love chris gethard so much (so much i keep writing "christ gethard"). fucking. love him. he's so baller of a boi that half the girls who know him are like "he he he, i'd marry chris gethard!" forealz bc he's wonderful. and it's totally not his fault that he and glenn close are EERILY similar-looking. when she's dressed up like him.

Omg Chris is funny and smart n sensitive, he's had his own fucking TV show, he made a kid's dream come true, and took a bus fulla bitches to his house on a Life tour because the people, truly, demanded it. Blow this dude if you see him! Glenn Close, too!

via my favorite write in the world,* Michael K of Dlisted

*tied with my BFF matt stopera and my brother eliot.

fork my fucking eyes out

2010-12-15T15:27:00.000-05:00

I think Bleeeeek Liiively and Leiiiighton Meeeester are cute actresses who seem not totally retarded and, instead, kind and gracious. However, when I see them, I want to fucking puke up everything I've ever eaten and suck a dick for a million dollars so I can buy a ton of cute shit.

I hate to admit it, and I try to acknowledge as seldom as possible the wannabe Gossip Girl tween inside of me, but like... they're so hot and perfect. Ugh, and I also don't wanna be a hater, and I don't wanna be a jealous cat bitch, either. Ughghghghghg x 100 because I guess I just am.

Whatever. They're so hot it hurts. I think it's because we're the same age. I think it's also because they're so fucking hot.

Omggggggggg I want everything. I want Blake's titty top, vthough my tits would like spill more because her are made of Barbicon (Barbie + silicon) and mine are flesh and bloody tissue or whatever. But even though ma tetas are revoltingly natural, they'd look mad fucking good in that white spaceman titty top. Ugh those pants would look hot on me too. Ugh come onnn!!!
And Leeeighton's dress would look bad on me, so fuck it. But I'll take those shoes. And legs and perfect skin and shit. Goddamn these bitches. But seriously I don't hate them as people, just depressingly attractive public figures. Whew.

el's tattoo

2010-12-11T11:06:00.000-05:00

This is my brother's tattoo.

It's the first tattoo he ever got, the first anyone in our immediate family ever got.

It made it very easy for me to get a tiny lil tat after that.

What a crazy fuckin dood.

happy fucking fridayyyy

2010-12-10T12:09:00.000-05:00

my mom's twitter

2010-12-01T18:59:00.000-05:00

My mom's mad cute and getting better all the time at the Internet.

She's not afraid to try and fail, which she did with Twitter - yeah bitch!

What 50-something-y/o woman needs Twatter? Not one, which she found out as evidenced below.

bicycle sweater

2010-11-28T16:49:00.001-05:00

only in Dumbo would a bicycle have its own like 'Missoni' sweater

and, of course, it was for like a baby bike

i mean it's pretty effin cool, i can't lie.

is this an optical illusion?

2010-11-27T18:33:00.002-05:00

it's a toy truck on a sidewalk! is this cool? lol @ the dirty cup, the part of the puzzle that brings the viewer back to reality. bam, garbage - toy. got it.

i'm in this dance central promo

2010-11-26T19:05:00.002-05:00

uh so buy it if you like dance dance revolution and want a new version. i'm wearing a red hoodie. if the embed link doesn't work below click here, right here!

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

directed by Bex Schwartz

i did this movember video for asylum

2010-11-18T13:12:00.002-05:00

I did this video for Asylum for Movember, the like, belief sytstem or month-long activity where dudes who want to get fuuuucked grow a moustache for testicular and prostate cancer awareness. Today is the day. If you can't see the video, click here on these words here.

abbi and i got asked to join a latina dating site

2010-10-30T08:27:00.005-04:00

lol cool

big shit

2010-10-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

There's this bizarre website called Great Big Stuff, where they just have large versions of things.

...like pickles

...and peelers

...and ice cream hats?

All inventory seems too repeatedly phallic to be a coincidental. What's going on here? Also, shit's useless, yeah?

racist, sexist, pedophilic old ads

2010-10-28T09:28:00.000-04:00

This is the full article from Buzzfeed via the mysterious and intriguingly French user, Mathieu S.
I think it was like, big or whatever, which makes this post kind of MA*, but I don't care.

Ew.

Sometimes I wonder what it would like to go back and live in a different time in America. I'm pretty sure it's all the same, though. At the core. You know.

*middle-aged

nicki on regis

2010-10-20T13:28:00.000-04:00

regis: "bigger than lady gaga" lol and nicki points like duhhhh (annie, i'm so sorry)

yeah boiii

they ask if nicki's a discovery of will.i.am's... like, aren't you in the entertainment industry? if the president can have weezy on his ipod, regis can at least know who he is. or like don't they have researchers or whatever? step it up, guys - the minimal, baseline info should be fed right before the segment. DURING is even fine.

the performance is pretty lame and the swooshy cameras? it's interesting how she's being filtered and how they 'have to' censor her ridic sexiness. lady gaga is hailed for knowing no bounds, but as a skinny lil pseudo-aaryan, her sexuality threatens no one. she's a lil bebe girl. but if nicki weren't censored and didn't shoot around her ass, she wouldn't be invited. she got a fat azz and it'll like make ppl auto-jism so they're like let's make the colors and patterns near the curves cray so errybody stay, dry fuck that.

stonerbitch

2010-10-19T09:25:00.000-04:00

kottonmouth kings featuring potluck ha this is excellent

i tried making this my signature on Gmail but it wouldn't work

2010-10-18T03:15:00.001-04:00

omg i'm so embarrassed - my crab just pooped!

ithn't it kewwwwwwwwt?!!?!

nicki on dave but not ON him bc he's THE perpetual druncle = not hot

2010-10-17T05:24:00.000-04:00

Nicki + Will.i.am performed Check It Out last week or so, and it's pretty hot. It's fun to watch her find her balance between dancing and performing n str8 spittin. I think she's doing it pretty elegantly. She doesn't really shake her ass, but she has mad presentation. Will.i.am is chill, I feel like he's usually high amirite? He's just like an actual robot kind of?

Highlights:

so hot so badass i luvit

i think she doesn't give a fuck if she's hot to guys because she is and always will be, she like doesn't worry because dogs always come back for food lol idk i just made a made-up saying

janelle monae vs. alanis morisette

2010-10-15T08:29:00.001-04:00

hangin with mr kotter

2010-10-12T14:52:00.000-04:00

lol how fucked up is that
mista kott-air looks like a perv
(that's how his students said it)

same person basically - elliot gould vs george segal

2010-10-12T13:19:00.028-04:00

so i realized these are the same dudes, just an A-list and B-list version. insignificant, irrelevant, unsexy, and all mine! god i'm really using my talents for good.

elliott gould was a hot piece when he was younger via

seriously i'd tap that shit. he made 1970s NYJews hot again after Woody Allen made them all pedo-y, fuckin pervert. dammit, elliott gould, you are fine!

and what a sweet old man he's become via i trust those eyes.

so he's the a-list one - ocean's 11 or whatever, american historty x and fucking bob + carol + ted + alice - that's cinema history right there.

george segal is the b-list version of E, pic via

Or B+ list. He's a pretty chillass dude himself. Look Who's Talking, Just Shoot Me and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf - he did Hitchcock, too, like EG.

ah whatevz.

rape n stuff

2010-10-11T09:59:00.001-04:00

Women are so fucked - U.N. peace-keeping troops rape an 80-year old woman in front of her grandchildren yee yee ::collar yank:: Uniformed dudes + guns = rape, amirite?

This bitch ain't nothin' but a blogga, and she was detained without any explanation for NINE MONTHS. She's 19 and Syrian, and her name is Tal al-Mallohi. She just saw her parents the other day after nine months of being captured or something. I bet rape happened around this story somewhere. Rape rape rape...

my guyz + waterworld

2010-10-09T09:23:00.000-04:00

two of my best friends eva and my like prototypical 'college buddies,' jon and matt made this incredible site called Under One Thousand when we were in college. it makes sense because now matt is a blogger at buzzfeed of all types of obscure and crazy and funny shit and jon helps brooklyn kids produce obscure art.

idk i guess i just feel like writing about them. we found each other really quickly in like the first week of school. we were at NYU so everyone was really, really douchey, and it was so fun to laugh at people and make fun of them like in their faces without them knowing. ew like direcccctors' daughtersss and shit. they would think of shit and i was always the one to carry it out because they're pussies (the best kind), and i'm crazy. when we were in elevators, i would say, "ugh you know what i love? it's so weird, but i love old school nickelodeon," and one of them would go, "yeah! old school nickelodeon!" hahahah ew because that's what everyone would say in their best Ingenue voice to sound quirky and shit.

aw such good memories. this was halloween of our sophomore year, when matt was "just out of the shower," i was a sexi bebi lol hence my actual blankie, and jon was a lesbian hahaha. we had so much fun, and we were such like curmudgeon-y douches. it was really fun, we were attached at the hips that year. we lived next to the stairwell, one floor apart, and they lived together, so we were together all the time. ugh, a dream.

i don't usually romanticize school bc it's pretty lame and i went to public schools growing up, and they were super-bland and boring and almost always uninspiring, but sophomore year of college was particularly golden for me. why am i writing this? who fucking cares? eh whatever idk. nyu is obvz super-sensationalized and everyone's like, "Did you think I was Leighton Meester? I get mistaken for Leighton ulllllll the time," or whatever, but this was just legit the funnest and most r*tarded time of my life. we had all these characters, "celebrities" in our lives that we would like talk about and stalk on facebook and sometimes IRL. sigh, it was so mean and felt so very right.

ah well, just 'batin' to it.

oh yeah! i remember why i wrote all this. matt and jon would scare me because they'd talk about earth becoming waterworld in a few years, and at the time i was like you guys are crazy! But now im like omg 2012 will be waterworld.

i guess we'll just have to wait and see. that is all.

i love when james franco f*cks wit dudes

2010-10-08T08:02:00.000-04:00

James Franco is so ridic sexi FOR the fact that he like loves playing gay. Guy-on-guy is so hot to me esp when they're straight, so intense I love it so much.

I slapped 100 asses in 2 minutes

2010-10-07T14:33:00.000-04:00

I did URDB recently - The Universal Record Database, where you pick the record you want to break. I wanted to slap as many asses as I could in two minutes. Click here to see how it went!

Click here to check out their main site and other wild 'n' crazy records!

Also I want to thank the wonderful Evan Altshuler for making it happen!

lindsay lohan is already dead

2010-10-03T17:25:00.001-04:00

scary... who's the hot douche?

pictures of lindsay lohan lately make it feel like she's already dead, amirite?

via

also hot asian guy

2010-10-01T14:30:00.000-04:00

john cho. so fking cute, would totz take him as my bf.

miss foo vs judge judy

2010-09-30T14:47:00.000-04:00

this woman was on judge judy last night and reminds me of an austin powers villain. i screamed at my roommate to look at the TV, and she said it was a regular Asian woman hahahaha with which i disagree, but I love that perspective -- like a world with super-exaggerated races, or like distorted leaning towards generally accepted stereotypes, and this is just your average Azn lady hahaha yikes.

as far as representing an entire race goes, judge judy's a mad annoying Jewbitch, but i am very glad that she's such a badass.

btw obvz judge jewdy ripped miss foo a new sideways a-hole

tiddy bear

2010-09-30T09:39:00.001-04:00

i love infomercials and have wished for many years that there was a channel dedicated to infomercials. this product is called the "tiddy bear" which sounds an awful lot like "titty bear." i'm not really sure what the pun is??? teddy bear for seatbelts = tiddy? whatever, but this is r*tarded, and it's like 'meant for women' but the 'joke' is that a woman's husband has one, too... i have no idea.

hot azn dude alert

2010-09-29T09:59:00.000-04:00

Asian guys deserve some more representation in the field of sexiness. America emasculates Azn men, but sluts don't. Sluts looove them, and they love sluts. Sluts sluts sluts.

This topic has come up a lot recently including with the effervescent Brian Faas:

I fucking hate when people are like, "I'm not attracted to [entire race]," and still think they're not racist due to the assumption that sexual preferences are arbitrary. I don't believe they are arbitrary, but because we don't talk about sex openly unless it's a joke or re: a crime, the conversation ends in awkward abruptness.

Anyway, here's a hot Asian dude:

Mmph, he is so slammin' sessy, I can't stand it. His name is Daniel Henney, and I guess that means he's half, but who cares - Jet Li's hot, too.

via

i wrote this also

2010-09-28T17:56:00.001-04:00

A while ago, I wrote this article about flipping the scary grossness that is Chatroulette for AOL's women's blog, Lemondrop. It's suuuuuper-clever: when a penis comes on the screen try to get the guy to jack it by doing weird shit.

i wrote this

2010-09-28T11:56:00.000-04:00

I wrote this Lemondrop article in response to some dumbass blog. Check it if you please.

a lil vid i did

2010-09-25T08:51:00.000-04:00

I was lucky enough to be in this "Pretty Good Sports Show" short created and written and directed by Caitlin Tegart, Adam Lustick, Matt Fisher, and Craig Rowin. It was directed by Will Hines who was seriously an amazing director and has Neil W. Casey, Fran Gillespie, Nate Lang, Matt Mayer, Dan Black, and Billy Scarfuri. Blah blah blah...

video originally linked at ESPN

my mom is amazing

2010-09-24T08:45:00.001-04:00

My mom (Sandi) acted in a Broad City episode, and so did Abbi's mom (Suze). We blocked out the plot points and wrote a loose script, and these two badass broads, a couple of middle-aged bitches who don't give a whaaat, they improvised their lines. Sandi and Suze, the hottest, baddest bitchez!!!! Omg they're such bad bitches.

wiz iz zexy

2010-09-23T11:45:00.000-04:00

i once showed a pic of lil wayne to my mom and said, "mom i think this guy is really fucking hot," and she said, "scary." hahaha, the full-body tatted thing def scares her, and my mom's not totally used to icy grillz n shit, so i'm wondering if she'd be down with wiz khalifa.

aw look as his shiny lil smile and he's bein all american or something

aww look at how he sucks down a lil blunt aw he'th tho cuuUUUuute.

before i saw what he looked like i thought he was gonna be a big guy with this tinny lil voice, but i guess it fits that he's like scrawny. he's like a fuckin badass urkel i luvit.